So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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