I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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