if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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