I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
