i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
