my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
