have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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