I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
