I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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