i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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