There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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