HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
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We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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