he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
