hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
