Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
