oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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