apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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