I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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