dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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