I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
