I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
