listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
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Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
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Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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