So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Say something about gay babies.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It's shark week go big or go home
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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