worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
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if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
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I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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