There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
