Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
