i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
