you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
