Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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