Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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