At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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