I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
