Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
