Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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