OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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