I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
