i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
