I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
