I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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