So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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