I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
