my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
