I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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