I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
my poor anus
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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