i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
