Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
