Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
