Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Ketchup is God's man juice
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
