dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
