i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
