Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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