Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
