I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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