I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
