I met the friendliest cop last night
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
