if i can run in heels then i can drive
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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