Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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