Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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