Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
