you didnt know i had herpes?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
