Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I need to align my fucking chakras
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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